..... the general feeling that some desire will be fulfilled
I often wander what hope is? What does it mean when its applied to our lives? It's easy to say I hope this will happen, or I hope you get better; but what are we actually relying upon? What is this surety we have that makes I feel like we can wake up and somehow get through the day even when life itself gives you nothing to live for?
It's 9:44 PM on April 8'Th 2010 and I know it is time to share.. share my journey and what feels like my barricade.
First I better introduce myself.. My name is Tash, I'm nearly 21 and I'm married to my soul mate Michael who is 25... On the 31'St January 2010 we celebrated our first wedding anniversary.
So thats the who... now for the why?
I can't remember a time where I couldn't imagine myself being a mum.. I was five years old and running around playing mum to my baby doll "Baby Mark". I always said that the one thing I could never handle was being infertile... little did I know that I would be facing the very thing I thought I could not manage.
I was 17 when I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and at the time well I was just glad that I had a reason for not having periods and spotting... but as time went on I realized that this diagnosis was going to effect my life far more dramatically then I had ever thought possible! From the diagnosis to my 20Th birthday I gained about 25 KGS. I also saw an increase in the amount of hair growth on my body. These changes while mainly physical, started to have a very emotional impact on my life. My self confidence took a huge whack! Although I was yet to realize the most horrible symptom of all. In August 2008 my then fiance(now husband) and I decided that we would begin trying for a baby. Even though we were happy if this didn't happen till after we were married in January 09 we thought that given my history we wouldn't try and stop a pregnancy. Now 19 months on we are still trying. I have been on Clomid (a drug used to regulate cycles and cause ovulation) for six months, this will be my seventh.. and I have seen a dramatic improvement in my cycles which used to be 16 weeks long, but we still havent fallen pregnant. Late last year my husband did a routine check on his sperm count (which we thought nothing of) and to our surprise we got a phone call from the doctor to say that Mike had an extremely low sperm count- far lower than most cases. We were flawed, shocked, and grieving. A lot has happened in the last 19 months some of which I've already shared and some I'm sure I will share with time..
Today I felt a moment of absolute despair, a moment of relief, a moment of fear...
This last cycle had been the first cycle were I had missed a period, I was 17 days late yesterday (Wednesday) and on Tuesday had a blood test to figure out whether I was pregnant as the home pregnancy tests were testing negative. I told myself to not get my excited. I was also fearful.. I have been having severe cramping/ sharp pains in my lower abdomen area and I started to spot on Wednesday. Today is Thursday and I received the results... I am not pregnant!! This afternoon I had an ultra sound which showed a few larger cysts and multiple smaller ones but nothing too out of the ordinary for me.
So Why this month? Why didn't the Clomid work? Why did I have to get my hopes up and have them smashed? I know I will never know the answers to these questions.
Why have I created Baby Hope? I'm writing this as both inspiration to other couples going through what we are... Im writing to this to express how I feel.
Join me as I write our story and lets HOPE for a happy ending.
Tash
