Dum Spiro Spero- While I breathe, I hope ♥♥

Life just takes you on a journey.... what the purpose is, I'm yet to understand.

A lot has gone on since my last post: we have been very busy closing our plumbing business and moving. Everything has settled now and its back to normality. Mike is working for someone else and not having the business has bought both relief and anxiety. Relief that I don't have to have my brain in "business" gear 24/7, but anxiety as I now try find something to fill the void. It has given me a lot of time to think about our hopes for a child (maybe to much time). I am looking for work but so far have been unsuccessful.

All up I did 10 months of clomid. Only to find out that my doctor should have stopped me at 6. We have used that option and now we are back to the only option left- ICSI (Intra- Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection) a extreme version of IVF. Im not ready for this! I want to run and hide.

So many thoughts running through my head. How will we afford the treatment? Will I feel ok with the procedures? I don't know, its just a lot to stomach.

My period is going on four weeks late now, although after 3 at home pregnancy tests I really don't think that there is anything positive going on. So off I go to have a blood test to tell me the same thing I've heard over and over again - Your not pregnant!

Some days I feel like I can take on the world, today I don't. It has just gone 2 years since our journey started.

Im praying for a miracle- I'm hoping for a miracle.

Tash xx

A new day.. a new month.. a new waiting game!

Above all there is love!

Ok so day 14 has come and gone.. now the wait.

There is so much to be grateful for. I want to stop for a minute and acknowledge all that God has blessed me with. Firstly the love of my darling Husband... who I know will always be there for me. Secondly for family and friends who stand by me and remind me to keep your feet on the ground.

Lastly for the the small things... flowers, clouds, sunsets... the things that remind me that there is definitely a bigger picture in life. There is hope.. I know it to be true.

I know this post is short and I'll write again soon.

Today I am grateful!

Tashx

Define Hope....

..... the general feeling that some desire will be fulfilled

I often wander what hope is? What does it mean when its applied to our lives? It's easy to say I hope this will happen, or I hope you get better; but what are we actually relying upon? What is this surety we have that makes I feel like we can wake up and somehow get through the day even when life itself gives you nothing to live for?

It's 9:44 PM on April 8'Th 2010 and I know it is time to share.. share my journey and what feels like my barricade.

First I better introduce myself.. My name is Tash, I'm nearly 21 and I'm married to my soul mate Michael who is 25... On the 31'St January 2010 we celebrated our first wedding anniversary.

So thats the who... now for the why?

I can't remember a time where I couldn't imagine myself being a mum.. I was five years old and running around playing mum to my baby doll "Baby Mark". I always said that the one thing I could never handle was being infertile... little did I know that I would be facing the very thing I thought I could not manage.

I was 17 when I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and at the time well I was just glad that I had a reason for not having periods and spotting... but as time went on I realized that this diagnosis was going to effect my life far more dramatically then I had ever thought possible! From the diagnosis to my 20Th birthday I gained about 25 KGS. I also saw an increase in the amount of hair growth on my body. These changes while mainly physical, started to have a very emotional impact on my life. My self confidence took a huge whack! Although I was yet to realize the most horrible symptom of all. In August 2008 my then fiance(now husband) and I decided that we would begin trying for a baby. Even though we were happy if this didn't happen till after we were married in January 09 we thought that given my history we wouldn't try and stop a pregnancy. Now 19 months on we are still trying. I have been on Clomid (a drug used to regulate cycles and cause ovulation) for six months, this will be my seventh.. and I have seen a dramatic improvement in my cycles which used to be 16 weeks long, but we still havent fallen pregnant. Late last year my husband did a routine check on his sperm count (which we thought nothing of) and to our surprise we got a phone call from the doctor to say that Mike had an extremely low sperm count- far lower than most cases. We were flawed, shocked, and grieving. A lot has happened in the last 19 months some of which I've already shared and some I'm sure I will share with time..

Today I felt a moment of absolute despair, a moment of relief, a moment of fear...

This last cycle had been the first cycle were I had missed a period, I was 17 days late yesterday (Wednesday) and on Tuesday had a blood test to figure out whether I was pregnant as the home pregnancy tests were testing negative. I told myself to not get my excited. I was also fearful.. I have been having severe cramping/ sharp pains in my lower abdomen area and I started to spot on Wednesday. Today is Thursday and I received the results... I am not pregnant!! This afternoon I had an ultra sound which showed a few larger cysts and multiple smaller ones but nothing too out of the ordinary for me.

So Why this month? Why didn't the Clomid work? Why did I have to get my hopes up and have them smashed? I know I will never know the answers to these questions.

Why have I created Baby Hope? I'm writing this as both inspiration to other couples going through what we are... Im writing to this to express how I feel.

Join me as I write our story and lets HOPE for a happy ending.

Tash