Not ready to let go yet...

Destination Unknown

Life is so hard sometimes!

You know the hardest reality I have had to face, as a woman with infertility, is the very real chance that I will grow old and never see my own children play, learn, grow. To face the possibility that I will go to my grave without leaving a future generation. That my family tree will stop at me. That I will never be called Mummy. These things are by far the hardest things to fear and comprehend.

They say every step you take is one step closer, but what if you don't know which turn to take or where to stop- destination unknown.

Hope is something we all can normally muster. Though there comes a point when hope runs out.

So not only am I heading on a journey to this unknown place but now I've also run out of fuel. Some may call this reaching a crossroad or maybe it's more like driving into a wall. I know one thing, it's going to take every part of me to put on my running shoes and find a spot to refuel and find some guidance.

Today I lost something beyond comprehension. It took some of me with it and I will never be the same.

Reality is hard to deal with when you no longer can find an illusion or a dream to hide between.

Me

IVF ICSI UPDATE

Hi Everyone,

So just a quick update on this cycle. I had my Embryo Transfer on Tuesday and all went well. Still in a small amount of pain and some nausea, but overall feel like I'm on the mend. In the end four embryos made it to the stage where they could be frozen. We are really happy with these results.

I won't be updating to much from now on, and we understand people's curiosity and care, but we would ask that people don't ask us the results of this transfer. We will be very happy to share with everyone, but it is very difficult for us to celebrate early on and if it is unsuccessful we will need our space. Thank you for your understanding.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for the messages of support we have received. We truly are grateful.

Positive Thoughts!
Tash

Day 12- IVF ICSI 2

Hi There,

Just a quick update to let you know we have had good news.
From the 10 Eggs we have 8 Embryos. 1 egg was immature and one Embryo succumbed already.
I will be bugging the lab tomorrow and Sunday although the nurse wasn't sure if they would take calls over the weekend otherwise I'll speak to them Monday. Embryo Transfer is booked for 7:30am on Tuesday.
Still feeling a little under the weather but hoping my body resumes normal functions soon.

Tash

Day 11-IVF ICSI 2 Egg Pick Up

Hi Guys,

Just a quick update to let you know the Egg Pick Up went well and my Fertility Specialist was able to retrieve 10 eggs. He told me before surgery to expect that only 30% of these eggs to be mature due to my PCOS. I recovered well with no anxiety/agitation issues this time with the anesthetic. The poor Anesthetist had a hard time getting a vain for the Canula, but I was very lucky to have my doctor with me the whole time offering support. I am on a high protein and liquid diet to try eliminate any Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome symptoms. I have not managed to pass much and do feel quite bloated but it's very early days. Tomorrow at 7:30AM the nurses will call me to check on me and at 11:00AM we will get our Fertilisation Report from our Doctor to let us know how many Embryo Babies we have.

Would apprciate your prayers and support as we enter the last part of this cycle. I am trying to not over think everything at the moment and this is being made easier because I'm drowsy and have slept most of the day.

This picture was taken this afternoon with our Feather Baby Desmond who couldn't wait to have snuggles when I was in bed and did a Hudini style trip to find me in my room. Sweet thing.

Tash

Day 10- IVF ICSI 2

Hi Everyone,

So my blood work came back fine on Monday and we will still be going ahead with the egg retrieval tomorrow morning. I had my ovulation trigger injection last night and we are set to go to the hospital at 7:00 am tomorrow morning. I'm in a considerable amount of pain at the moment and struggling to get around and have absolutely no energy to get anything done (which if you know me, it is killing me). Please say a prayer for us. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life. The emotional repocustions as well as the physical pain and the feeling of physical invasion are too hard to describe. I feel like my body is a science experiment.

There is so much doubt running through my head... What if I ovulate to soon, what if they can't harvest any eggs, what if the eggs aren't mature, what if they don't fertilize, what if I am sick and we can't put an embryo back, will I recover well, when will I feel up to taking on life again ???????????

I have an amazing Doctor, who throughout everything makes me laugh (he is a funny man). I have faith in him, I trust him and know that he has our best interests in mind. Sometimes I hate the things he tells us, and sometimes its hard to not portray my grumpiness towards him but I try to put a smile on my face and keep on keeping on.
In hindsight though I feel sorry for him having to deal with me and obsessive compulsive control freak. Pray for our Doctor.

This journey has been going for 3 years and 6 months. I wish I had a crystal ball so I could know when it would end.

This journey has changed me- I will need time to find myself again when we are done.

Today I am broken.

Tash

Day 8- IVF ICSI 2

Hi Everyone,

Just a quick update with some exciting news.
I saw my Fertility Specialist this morning and he is happy with the way things are looking but if we inject to much longer he is sure that we will end up with too many follicles (which would make me sick) so he is going to due the Egg Pick Up this Thursday much earlier than anticipated. I am waiting on the results from my blood test this morning to make sure that we are right to go on Thursday.

Let's hope this is the beginning to the end.

Staying positive.
Tash